Hey you fucks! What’s new? How’s the weather where you are? It’s so snowy up here in Canada that the simple act of leaving the house takes several snow shovels and a lot of time. It’s a real scene up here. I figured nothing would go better with this bleak as fuck black metal weather than some of my incoherent rantings, and I stumbled upon some shit this morning that definitely needed some commentary.
Okay, so do you guys know what Motionless in White is? I saw photos at some point and just assumed they were big lame-o’s with music with a similar sound to AFI, who are terrible, so they never really crossed my radar. Also, I’m over the age of 15 so I just assumed I was not in their target demographic. Anywho, I’ve been getting really strange emo-esque goth type kids following me on instagram lately and one had a username with something about Chris Motionless, and I got a good look at the guy and holy jumping fucking shit balls.
I was in a dark place this morning and I spent all weekend getting blasted off my tits and I decided to check out a video or two and I came across a real gem. Immaculate Misconception. It was literally the first song to come up and I do like some clever albeit trite word play so I had a listen. At first I have to say I was mildly surprised, what with the super death metal esque vocals. I had expected much worse. However, for me, the worst was yet to come, as the death metal vocals morphed into clean singing that sounded like it belonged on a goddamn Dashboard Confessional record. I couldn’t even handle it. The video alone is worth watching just for a fucking larf, because this dude considers his plight as one of the leather clad tattooed spooky brethern to be akin with that of Jesus Christ, and this video shows him sustaining the wounds of Christ, and being shoddily crucified.. it’s a real fucking drama fest. The music sounds like this strange combo of Marilyn Manson, Cradle of Filth (both of who have worked with Motionless in White), KoRn, Dashboard Confessional, Tacking Back Sunday and shit like Funeral for a Friend. These guys take their band name from an Eighteen Visions song so these dicks are second generation emo and it’s honestly just terrible. I felt so much second hand embarassment for these dudes and their fans – it was totally cringe worthy. You know when you see someone behaving like a total asshole and you’re like fuck dude.. seriously, why are you doing that to yourself? Do you not love yourself?
Holy moly.
Put your teeth to the curb, cuz right now I’m gonna stomp your fucking face in
I hope you drown in all the cum you fucking swallow, to get yourself to the top
You’re just a trend, just a fucking disease,
How could you look at yourself in the mirror?
You stand for nothing and your heart is untrue
Every single thing about you’s just a clone of the last “you”All I want is to reach someone,
to say something that could change their life forever
To let them know they’re not alone, you’re not alone
So many people wanna see me fail,
so fucking clever but I’ll spit in your face
I’ll make sure you remember meIf all these words you speak of meant a thing
I’d take back all the lines against you that I sing
But I know that there’s nothing real inside
Your heart’s invested in feeding everyone lies
I’ve seen so many of you come and go,
That’s cuz you’re in it for all the wrong fucking reasons
You can’t expect to live off of lies and survive
I am who I am, this is what we are,
I don’t care if this offends you, or your worthless god
To all the kids whose letters I receive
The broken hearted, the damaged just like me
I will be your voice to let the world know we stand as one
We’re standing right here so come and fucking get us
Open your mind before your mouth
Or come and fucking get us
Open your mind before your mouth
I’ll be the end of your decadence
If all these words you speak of meant a thing
I’d take back all the lines against you that I sing
If all these words you speak of meant a thing
I’d take back all the lines against you that I sing
But I know that there’s nothing real inside
Your heart’s invested in feeding everyone lies
I may not have built this kingdom but,
I’ll make fucking sure that I protect it from you.
I also love how these lyrics are about how different these dudes are and how original. Sorry to break it to you there buddy, but your shit is has been and in the eyes of pretty much anyone worth their cred, just downright adorable. It’s like when the stupidest kid in class smears his own waste on his test paper and hands it in.. good job jimmy.. you’re a fuck up.
WHAT?! THEYRE OUT OF EYELINER AT HOT TOPIC
Fuck. Seriously, this was a real audio and visual assault and I have been alternately cringing and smiling to myself, smug in the satisfaction that I’m not Chris Motionless, or any of the dickweeds in this band. Holy shit. Seriously. Also I just love how these mother fuckers think they are bad ass.. Sorry bro – Varg Vikernes had you beat on badassery in 1992, so sack or pack up and either burn down a church or GTFO. CHURCH BURNS OR GTFO, ya fuckin goofs.
These guys are goofy.
Go listen to some Portal and cleanse your soul of this filth. I will do my best to have a real good Thrash column for next week, because after this, I think we all need to hold each other and pray.
Also, if you listen to these guys in any seriousness, you should be ashamed of yourself.