Hey you sassy bastards, what’s new? Are you still recovering from New Year’s eve? Did you get a kiss at midnight and then show your dick to a stranger? I hope so. Just remember, you’re doing God’s (?) work. Anywho, I did go and check out the opening of The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death and in case you were on the fence about whether to see the film, allow me to tell you that you are better off taking your ticket money and buying cheap wine with it, because holy fuck that movie was not only boring but it was also redundant as hell.
So I have seen the original film, and the remake starring Harry Potter, and I didn’t much care for either, because they’re boring as fuck. I didn’t have high hopes for the second, but I figured it may at least prove entertaining, and I was wrong. Considering that I never enter a movie theatre with anything close to hope, when I leave disappointed, I feel that the film I saw must have really stunk out loud.
The Woman in Black 2 is set during the Blitz in England, and follows a young school marm named Eve and the children in her charge who move out to the Eel Marsh house which is very foggy. I will say to the film’s credit, the setting was quite nice to look at, the scenery lush and bleak all at once. The atmosphere of spooky, foggy moors was created, but like the garden of the Eel Marsh house, never maintained. The kids are all forgettable do nothings clad in period appropriate clothing to some extent, save for Edward, a mute boy who is remarkably damaged from watching his mom get blown up. Eve, the school marm is fixated on Edward and we soon learn she’s hiding some secrets – mainly that she got knocked up super young and had a baby and the baby was put up for adoption.
She’s all fucked up about not being a good mom or whatever and the Woman in Black manifests to haunt her and the children. The little mute boy is bullied by other children and pretty soon they end up dead, which is kind of neat. Wouldn’t it be cool as fuck if every creepy kid who got picked on had some awesome ass ghost to go fuck up the people who were mean to you? “Oh you were mean to Susie at the drive thru today.. ALLOW ME TO EXTRACT YOUR SOULLLLLLL AND OPEN UP A CAN OF WHUP ASS FROM BEYOND THE GRAAAVE”. Fuck you’d have no more bullies after only a couple years or so. Someone should dial up Miss Cleo in the Federal Penn and tell her to get on that, there’s money to be made.
Anyways, Eve while in the midst of completely losing her goddamn mind, meets a fucking hottie air plane pilot man and he’s foxy as hell, let me tell you. He could go on an air raid in my underwear anyday if you know what I mean! Shit! I was all, finally this poor insane school marm’s luck is turning around, but no, this broad is all fixated on this fucking mute kid for whatever fucking reason, and she’s busy obsessing over the spooky woman in black.
With a couple kids dead and things really in the shitter, the sexy pilot man takes the children and the old marm and the young marm to an airfield, where we find out for whatever fucking called in reason that he’s not actually a pilot because he has shell shock, so the army sent him out to the country to do nothing and act as a decoy. Eve is all, “I don’t care baby” and he’s all “Ok”, and then they kiss which is sorta nice, but there wasn’t even any tongue. The kids all hide out in a bunker and they’re all hanging out and the old marm lady is all “GOOD GRACIOUS THIS IS RIDICULOUS” because she doesn’t believe in ghosts, which is pretty practical, what with the Germans bombing all of Britain back to the fucking Stone Age. This lady is all practical and she don’t have no time for bullshit. Anyways, regardless of whether this broad believes in ghosts (Read: poorly made up women in black funeral attire/every goth girl ever), the Woman in Black rolls out and scares the ever loving shit out of these kids and then the little mute boy runs off into explosions and the night and shit.
Pilot Good and Sexy tries to save him, but it’s no use, and he goes back to Eve to be all, “I TRIED BABE”, and she’s all hurt in the butt about it and ends up driving into the night back to Eel Marsh house to save this stupid fucking kid. I would have been – “well the kid’s gone, but I will take a consolation prize of banging, so I’m not too upset about it”, but yeah she doesn’t. She’s all wrapped in giving up her kid and is wrestling with being a good foster mom kind of, to this kid she just met, and she faces off with the Woman in Black under water in a marsh (swimming pool) and the woman in black really wants to drown the fuck out of that kid but then the good and sexy pilots rolls out and saves him but gets drowned instead.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all the fine pieces of tail lost, in order to save emotionally bankrupt children.
And then of course the film has it’s requisite phoned in happy ending, flashing forward to years later when blushing young marm is slightly older and the little mute boy is now talking and London is being rebuilt and isn’t it just so nice that we all got anal cancer and died smelling our own farts. FUUUUUUUUCK. Oh and of course, everything isn’t as it seems because BAM the Woman in Black is there in the framed photo AHAHAHAHAHAHA.. leaving this fucking god awful series open for numerous other sequels each more phoned in than the last. Seriously though.
I do have some suggestions for sequel names: The Woman in Black 3: Back in Black. The Woman in Black 4: Once you go Black, You Never Go Back. The Woman in Black 5: The Ageless Edition, Black Don’t Crack.
While this film had a good setting and did look nice, it lacked any real definition of a plot. I am almost certain that the whole Eve as Teen Mom: the WW2 Edition was added as an aside because this whole movie made no fucking sense. The weird plot about the pilot not actually being a pilot due to shellshock only served so that the audience could understand his “noble sacrifice” to save that little mute kid, and really if you need to have your archetypes fucking spoon fed to you in order to understand them, who are you really selling these films to. We get it. He’s the hero. Holy loving fucking shit balls this movie was awful. From making no goddamn sense to being bereft of any logical story arc, to actually being just a snooze factory. I’ve never in my life wished a movie would have had more jump scares! MORE JUMP SCARES. IS THIS WHAT CINEMA HAS COME TO? FUCK.
Seriously though when you think about it, how much can you ask from one broad in an old black dress? She isn’t even that scary looking BTW. When she does show up she’s like your old Aunt Madge who’s chainsmoked for like forty years and she’s just really bored and wants a big cup of black coffee and some sherry. I dunno.
I’m not sure what more I can say about this piece of garbage, so I think I will just leave it there.
Remember kids – always steam clean than old black dress you have, just in case you can come in between some well meaning lady and a perfectly good piece of tail, stay very far away from ladies with baby hallucinations, and always always always ALWAYS stay spooky. Until next time you belligerently sexy fucks.