The Night Before Vargsmas 2014


Last year began a tradition that is black as midnight..  praying to the goofball god known as Saint Vargy.  In this year’s span of time, we’ve changed it up a bit, and we wish you all to gather around the burning churches of your neighborhood, hold a heathen close, and hope that Krampus only sort of beats you senseless.

The Night Before Vargsmas 2014

Twas the night before Vargsmas

When all through the yard

The drunks were quite hungover

Which was not that hard

The previous night there had been such commotion

Johnny Zontal ran out of Natty Light

And it put events in motion

A trip to the booze store

In a night most black

With enough weed and blow

To give a grown man a heart attack

The drunks had descended upon the store with glee

Forgetting of course

That they had no ID

The Dali Trauma was heartsick

He prayed to the gods

The old and the new

The real and the odd

“On Cthulhu, On R’hleyh, On Satan and Thor, On Krampus on Santa oh please bring us more..”

He offered this prayer up to

Ears most foul

And out by the dumpster came a screeching howl

The drunks ran over to see what was the matter

And found Varg Vikernes

Emptying his bladder

Upon the old dumpster he pissed with such glee

Scotty Floronic, he joined him, in order to feel free

Rigby and Robin looked on in horror

At this man obsessed with the flames of Mordor

“IS this our miracle?” wondered Rigby

She had not gotten over being likened to Bigby

“Surely I hope not” remarked Robin on the sly

She was a packing a bowl

So the girls could get high

“That dude over there, he’s dressed like a Quaker..

And he doesn’t have the good looks of one Troy Baker”

Rigby was right as she usually was,

But out of the dumpster came a flight of doves

Birds white as snow

They took to wing

As Varg Vikernes, the jackass

Began to sing

To the tune of Dunkelheit

He offered up to these drunks,

this sweet delight

“Come heathens, I call you

Though I haven’t hoagies to give

I’ve brought you this mead

If you want to live

Drink deep from the horn

Of black metal and coffee

But don’t be rude

Like terrible horror blog websites

And eat too much toffee

I need my drunks silly,

With no punches to pull

And this alone

It leaves my heart full”

Into the night this old man he staggered

Lets be honest now

Vikernes is looking pretty haggard

Washboard abs have turned flabby

Insanity has eaten his mind

But good god damn hes got a great behind

In this wake of this madman

Who the drunks called Pops

Was Natty Light, mead, vodka, gin and schnapps

The drunks returned to the graveyard

To continue being kooky

Happy Vargsmas to all

Always stay spooky

Jimmies rustled? Wanna fight about it? Let us know why below!

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