Christmas time is here, and you guys know what that means, right? Snow, egg nog, presents, and some of the most cringeworthy gimmick filled pieces of garbage ever associated with the horror genre. With so much trash to sift through, there sure are plenty of options to talk about for a holiday themed horror movie. This year, I wanted to pick something I haven’t seen before, and as always, my personal rule is “The Stupider, The Better.” Well, I’m happy to inform all of you that 2005’s Santa’s Slay is one of the dumbest movies I have ever seen, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

It combines my love of big dumb movies and big dumb wrasslin’

Santa’s Slay is basically a horror ret-con of the Santa Clause mythology, which is pretty well worn territory. However, there are a few things that make this particular movie stand out. First, Santa is played here by former wrestler Bill Goldberg. He’s a big old Roidy McGoo, and not all that bad an actor. I mean, he’s not great, or anything. But he’s not distractingly bad, either. He’s fine in this role. It’s also worth noting that Goldberg is Jewish, and his presence as the villain in a Christmas movie is right on that line between clever and insulting without really managing to be either. Oh, also worth noting here is that Santa is the result of a virgin birth several thousand years ago. But he’s the offspring of the Satan, so he’s basically the antichrist. That’s pretty fucking out there, you guys. I don’t know where that idea came from, but I’ll bet dyslexics everywhere are super confused by it.

It’s a good thing this fireplace is so big

The best part of the movie is its opening scene, though. It’s pretty straightforward enough… A family sits down to Christmas dinner, and Santa Satan pops down the chimney, murdering all of them. That would be great if that’s all it was, but there’s more. First off, the family is all dispatched in cartoonishly goofy ways, including impaling, immolation, fork stabbing, and asphyxiation by turkey leg. That’s not all, though. The family is bizarrely played by James Caan, Fran Drescher, Rebecca Gayheart, & Chris Kattan… All of which who are both way too famous to be in this movie, and way too Jewish to celebrate Christmas. I guess this is a running joke, after all. Anyway, this scene is super fun, and although the movie has no choice but to be all downhill from here, it’s forgiven due to the fact that it starts on such a high point.

The story of the movie involves a couple of teenagers,Nicholas and his girlfriend Mary (Mac for short), who discover Santa’s sinister origin by reading an ancient text called The Book of Klaus, given to Nicholas by his crazy grandfather. In this book, it states that an angel defeated Santa in a curling match in 1005 AD, which resulted in a thousand year sentence of delivering gifts and spreading holiday cheer. The thousand years are up, and now Santa can be bad again.

I just… I don’t know… nevermind. Not touching this one.

So, Santa Satan’s first act as a free man is what any of us would do after being captive for a long period of time. He murders the shit out of an entire titty bar full of people. This is another amazing scene as it has gore, cheesy one liners, tits, Christmas, and tits. If it wasn’t for the opening scene, this would be the high point of the movie, hands down. It reminds me of those low budget direct to video shit fests from the 80’s and 90’s in both tone and execution. It’s silly, disgusting, & fun.   After leaving the titty bar, Santa goes to the Jewish deli where Nicholas & Mac work , and kills the owner with his own menorah. At this point, I really have no idea if this movie is anti-semitic or not. I guess there are enough Jewish people involved to take any malice away from certain overtones, and the tone is VERY MUCH jokey and dumb. So I’m guessing it’s all in good fun.

Ok… a menorah to the throat? Am I ok thinking that’s awesome?

Nicholas discovers Mr Green’s corpse at the deli, and is brought in as a suspect. As Mac is bailing him out, Santa attacks the jail, and kills almost everyone inside. As the heroes escape, Santa chases them down in his slay, led by evil reindeer. In the skirmish, Nicholas’s grandfather is killed. The kids end up taking refuge at their school’s hockey rink, where Santa almost runs them down with a zamboni. With all hope seemingly lost, Grandpa’s ghost appears, and he reveals that he was the angel who beat Santa in that curling match all those years ago, and challenges him to another match. So a ghost of a crazy old man and an evil Santa Clause curl against each other. Grandpa wins, and Santa is sent back to the North Pole via passenger flight through Winnipeg.

I want songs about Biker Santa, goddammit!

Look, this one is really damn stupid. While no one is going to mistake it for Citizen Kane, It’s a fun watch that has some genuinely funny moments. You could certainly do worse if you’re looking for a Christmas themed horror movie to watch this year. It’s certainly less traumatic of a watch than Santa Claws, which I watched last year. If you like big dumb self aware horror movies, or are a Christmas completest, go ahead and check this one out.