The Dali Trauma’s Last Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hello. This is the Dali Trauma speaking.

Depression sucks. Holiday depression isn’t much better, in fact, it’s worse. A lot worse. Depression laced with tinsel, stale candy canes, and the peppermint-flavored desperation of ceasing to find meaning in the day to day world. A world which is gaudily laced with colorful lights to illuminate the cackling hordes of insect-like bipeds. Shambling along, buying all they can to keep any real recognition or self-examination safely at arm’s reach. Between their deepest fears and yet another showing of “A Christmas Story”

Okay, okay, you’re right, it isn’t all that bad. I have lots to be thankful for this Holiday season. I’m thankful for simple things like cookies and beer and wine. I’m thankful for The Lady Trauma who allows me to sleep beside her, when I don’t lock myself accidentally in the crypt. I’m thankful for Thomas Ligotti and Antony and the Johnsons and Boris and The Mt Fuji Doomjazz Corporation and blessed Amebix. I’m thankful for books. I’m thankful for Napalm Death and Siouxsie and the Banshees. I’m thankful for Wilum H. Pugmire and Ann K. Schwader and dark, sticky Amaro and black bicycles.

Speaking of books, and with the the holidays quickly approaching, like an unstoppable tidal wave of regret, despair, and general ennui. I assembled this guide to finding the perfect last-minute gifts for all of your insufferable obligations.


When The Stars Are Right: Towards An Authentic R’lyehian Spirituality by Scott Jones
Martian Migraine Press (

Because I am a lazy blogger (bastard) and because Scott sent me a review copy of his book well over a month ago, I decided to really put in some of my own pittance about it here.

What is it? What is “When The Stars Are Right: Towards An Authentic R’lyehian Spirituality”? Is it more edgy Lovecraftian scholarship? Is it fiction? Non-fiction? I think the best response to it came from The Lady Trauma who thumbed through it for a few moments before setting it down, exclaiming, “Is this real? I mean, is this FOR REAL?”

Trying to describe it, which is always a failing of mine when it comes to describing literature or music, would be to devalue your own overall impressions of the book. Basically, Scott Jones talks about key figures of Lovecraft’s Mythos, THE Mythos, THAT Mythos and explores deep connections between The Great Old Ones and our own puny validation-seeking psyche. Like archetypal whispers, these monster-gods reveal truths deep within ourselves and our own experiences. Do we dare explore those hidden secrets? Do we dare cast a light onto what things may be on our own doorsteps? Do we dare, as Jones posits, “keep it R’lyeh?”

It’s a really fun read. I loved it. It’s a fantastic gift for everyone in your curse-inflicted gene-pool. Thank you, Scott.

A tisket, a tasket, how about some CASKETS?

Why wait until the big day when you can pamper yourself with one of these beautiful, luxuriant brushed metal caskets today? Many models, colors, and sizes to choose from. Free shipping is available on many models. I like the oversized full couch models.


I scream, you scream, we all scream for GUILLOTINES!
Got a wood-worker in the family. Here’s a website with directions on building your own working guillotine!


Can’t get enough of that good old time occultism? GRIMOIRES!

From Wierus Occult Antiques, many authentic antique grimoires on demonology, witchcraft, hermetism, can be bought for your friends and family. Or, go to and buy a beautifully bound occult tome and lock your half-mad cousin in the tower with it, so he can transcribe the spectral voices that call from the black depths of the uncaring cosmos. Fun!


Want your skull? Need your skull? Look no further for SKULLS!

Who can resist the smooth contours of a real-life human skull? Not me. These are real human and animal skulls, so if you’re looking to make a goblet from which to sup the blood of your enemies, use a replica.

Okay, I’m out of here for now. Our visit is over. I’ll be back in the new year with a bunch of wacky resolutions I can’t ever keep. Be safe out there.


-You can find The Dali Trauma here when he isn’t in his lab researching eldritch incantations

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