Trash/Thrash Tuesdays: Cradle of Filth – Nymphetamine

pictured: someone having difficulty remembering their first name

Hey there friends. How have you been doing this far? It’s getting closer to Yule and I would expect that if you are normal and well adjusted, you are probably stroking a shotgun while drinking candy cane vodka debating about how you intend to become the angel of death during the annual holiday meal.. and while I am no longer able to offer counselling on such important holiday traditions, I can however provide you with some lulz.

Here’s a backstory for you cool cats, because its close to 4am and I’m drunk as fuck on bad white wine.. I live in a house that is full of lulz. Made of lulz. A veritable ship of lulz, awash on a sea of bad decisions and cheap rent. This house is so full of lulz that it has to be divided into several apartments of lulz. The upstairs apartment of lulz is currently theorized by me to contain a time vortex leading to the early 2000s as the person who lives in this apartment wears baggy JNCO jeans unironically and listens very seriously to Blink 182, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, No Doubt, Korn, and many other awful and entirely forgettable musical acts that are generally only heard now at karaoke nights, and perhaps ironically in an Urban Outfitters (they can’t play moany coin dropping wrench throwing slit your wrists music CONSTANTLY). I was getting plastered and got to theorizing as to what kind of dark magic has been wrought on my housemate, or if they just retarded their musical growth somewhere about 2001, and as I got to thinking I became curious if this person listened to Cradle of Filth. I go to school with a dude who tried to show me how metal he was by telling me all about Cradle of Filth and Nightwish, saying his friends found him to be so strange, because he liked such “extreme” music. It was a fine glorious December day and much lulz were had. It’s worth mentioning that once I got really baked and watched a Cradle of Filth DVD with some friends and laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. I’m clearly well adjusted and hope you will join me in this week for some gawthy lulz.

I didn’t get much further than Nymphetamine on Youtube, if only because this song has always had a real WTF element for me, because… okay, so the dude is addicted to a girl or whatever? That’s kind of weak. Like, I don’t really get why you would go to all the trouble of putting on a nice dress like Dani Filth has on in the video only to bitch and moan about some slut who won’t give it up for you anymore. She’s probably just pissed off that your manly shoulders stretched out her new dress from Forever 21.. Jesus.

Also it’s hilarious to me that Varg Vikernes has a beef with Cradle of Filth. Could someone please set up a war between these two? And by war, I mean poorly thought out vaguely racist, obviously misspelled emails? I’m more interested in a war of words than the weird manly groping (plus potential making out) that might happen if those two boys (I say boys and not men, because they ARE boys) got ahold of each other. Vikernes just never forgave Cradle of Filth for billing themselves as black metal.

Seriously. What the actual ever loving fuck is this song/video. Who made it and why?

Who’s rocking out to this shit? Also why is Dani Filth licking a microphone and leering at two nice lesbians playing a little dress up? Also he needs to take those fucking contacts out.. he looks like he’s been consuming a bit too much spice.

Fucking hell. Also, is it just me or is him giving that microphone some tongue love, just repulsive to the core? Yeeesh. Do not want. I do really like his dress, and the stool he is standing on to appear as more than five feet tall.

He’s about the same height as Danzig, isn’t he? Also, since I did kinda rip on Dani Filth a bit hard for this review, I do want to make plain, that at least he seems like a sort of cool dude to chill with? I mean, I’d rather hang out with him in Dracula’s mansion and get drunk on red wine than watch Danzig eat sandwiches and reminisce about when he had hair/was relevant.

Cradle of Filth – Nymphetamine

Lead to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A ‘V’ of black swans
On with hope to the grave
All through Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain
So I swore to thy razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

Bared on your tomb
I am a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the binds of your lowliness
I could always find
The right slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discolours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter
Nymphetamine
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, a vampyric addiction
To her alone in full submission
None better
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
Nymphetamine girl
Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
My nymphetamine girl

Wracked with your charm
I am circled like prey
Back in the forest
Where whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More white lady laid
Than pillars of salt
(Keeping Sodom at night at bay)

Fold to my arms
Hold their mesmeric sway
And dance out to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay

Bared on your tomb
I am a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the binds of your holiness
I could always find
The right slot for your sacred key