Trash/Thrash Tuesdays: Danzig – “Can’t Speak”

TWIST OF CAKE

Good morning you fabulous darklings. Are you ready for another installment of Trash/Thrash Tuesdays? I said I was going to try to do more Thrash pieces, but let’s be serious.. I haven’t made fun of Danzig in a while and I need to fill a quote otherwise me no work so good. I’ve been saving this one for a while actually, because seriously.. WHAT THE FUCK. Danzig is awful, and this specific track is actually the most WTF thing I’ve seen in a while, and I recently saw a homeless lady with a squirrel in her backpack pour a Starbucks latte over her hands to wash them, so what does that tell you? Anyways, I have no clue what this song is, it sounds like some real homoerotic stuff and is possibly written by Danzig in memory of Jerry Only, or that time Danzig had a really good hoagie sandwich someplace. Danzig tries so hard to be a real tough midget but the fact is that when you write songs that sound like they were put out by an emo band, the audience will not in fact be laughing with you, they are definitely laughing AT YOU. We are laughing AT YOU, Danzig. You’re beyond fucked, and anyone who thinks you are evillive may be in fact a bigger goof than you. You’re a goof Glenn. Hang it up dude. You are the brunt of every joke about yourself and you only make it worse with your platform shoes, bald spot and ridiculous ham gut. You mad Glenn? Come at me bro. I love making small men cry, and since you seem to enjoy weeping like a fat lady into her ice cream, might I suggest you use your tears as lubricant if you can fish your shrimpy flaccid dick out from under dat gut, because DAMN GIRL. DAMN. U ALL ABOUT DA BASS? NO TREBLE?

Come at me Danzig.

I want it remarked that a member of Danzig’s crew got mad at me at the Housecore Festival for making fun of Danzig. That is intensely fucked up. Was that your boyfriend, Glenn? For real dude. When you have to have your Mommy and Daddy run out and fight your battles for you, you’re a pussy ass bitch.. not sweating with demons. I like to make jokes, and if you wanna call me on my malarkey, then please do so, but be a man about it. A fifty year old dude, making a forty year old dude fight his battles to a twenty something is actually ridic.

Please go listen to this song/get really baked and watch the video and just revel in the knowledge that you were never birthed out of black sand to wear a mesh shirt while looking Pensive.