The Purge 2 aka The Purge 2: The Purgening

As those of you who read my review of the first Purge movie can gather, I was not a fan. Turning the film into a cookie cutter home invasion flick spectacularly wasted the premise of the movie. The second one was so unbelievably better it was like a completely different movie, there was nary an Ethan Hawke in sight so I was very excited.

The movie started off by introducing a few characters: A couple that were driving to a family members home to wait out the purge, a mother, Eva, and daughter, Cali, who were just trying to survive the night, and a man going out to purge one specific person. They never say the guys name so I’m just going to call him Hot Dad. Obviously things go horribly awry for all of these people and they’re forced together trying to get to safety through the city. It was very Warriors-esque, but I was disappointed no one put beer bottles on their fingers and clacked them together

First off we’re introduced to Eva who works at a diner. The whole pre-purge scenes seemed really weird to me, because I don’t think I’d be going to a diner 4 hours before the purge started, call me crazy.  She returns home to an apartment we’re supposed to believe is below the poverty line but it looked pretty good to me. Eva’s daughter tells her about a video she watched earlier about a freedom fighter, who was definitely channeling Malcolm X, and his group who are fighting against The Purge. I feel I should also mention that The Purge had only been going on for 6 years at this point. That’s insane, I mean the hunger games was going on for like 75 years before everyone was like “wait a minute, this is insane” so I have a hard time thinking everyone would jump on board with The Purge after half a decade.

But anyways, while that’s happening, the most irritatingly bland couple are bickering and buying groceries; again this is less than 2 hours before people are legally allowed to chop someone’s face off with a machete. Perfect time to stock up on Pizza bagels.

So after Mr. & Mrs. Whitebread get groceries a masked hooligan SHOVES them in the parking lot!! And then revs a dirtbike at them!! That’s honestly my nightmare, I am more and more afraid of youths the older I get. So anyways, they boogie out of there and wouldn’t you know it? Their car breaks down! Oh and those masked hooligans are back with their dirtbikes and their Mackelmore and their social media. HORRIFYING. The intrepid couples quickly runs away and end up in the middle of the city when the purge starts. Haha dummies. Ok also there’s a part where they’re trying to find somewhere to hide, and they look in exactly one dumpster and it has a dead hobo in it so they give up on that plan. I feel like you could find a dead hobo in a dumpster on any given day whether or not the purge was in effect so I don’t know why they gave up what seemed like a pretty solid hiding spot. There are tons of dumpsters you guys and I bet less than 5% have a dead body in them at any given time. Quitters.

where dreams come true

where dreams come true

As that’s happening, Hot Dad is trolling the streets and comes upon the mom and daughter from earlier being drug out in the street by jackbooted thugs. Hot Dad has a crisis of faith and decides to intervene when the girls are about to get blasted by a dude with a Gatling gun in the back of a truck. So hot dad rolls in, shoots and kills everyone but just grazes the guy with the gatling gun, thus causing his American flag hat to fly off his head. THE ULTIMATE INSULT.

AAAAAMMMMERRRRICCAA

AAAAAMMMMERRRRICCAA

 

As this is happening, The bland couple from earlier show up and sneak into his car. Hot Dad grabs the two girls and heads back to the car to find those two dummies in the back seat. At this point I was almost preparing for the movie to become a wacky road trip ensemble comedy, but alas that did not happen. Gatling Gun dude shoots the shit out of their car as they drive away and it breaks down in an alley. The movie then became about the group trying to traverse the city to get to Eva’s Friends house because she has a car and will give it to Hot Dad so he can get ‘a purging. I’m sure this will go smoothly.

As the gang of idiots led by Hot Dad wanders the streets, Cali starts peppering him with super annoying questions. I feel like this is a bad move. This guy has tons of guns and could kill them very easily and very legally. Also, I feel like he was probably in a bad mood and most likely pretty hungry. I could easily murder someone in the throws of a Hangry rage, so kudos to him for just ignoring her. Anyways, as they plod along there’s a lot of them avoiding the dirtbike kids and the American hat flag dude.

 

purge3

Teens. The real enemy

On the way to this woman’s house, the gang heads into the subway tunnels, possibly hoping for assistance from a helpful CHUD or Ninja Turtle. Instead they find a bunch of homeless people. During this riveting scene, the Hot Dad reveals that he’s out to kill the dude who drove drunk and killed his kid, who walked because of an error in the paperwork or something. I feel like in a country where any crime is legal for 12 hours, the court system wouldn’t let a vehicular manslaughter charge fall through the cracks but hey, here we are.

After a few minutes of walking through the subway, they’re assaulted by some dudes on dunebuggies (sweet) and flamethrowers (sweet) who are torching hobos (….) The gang runs away and the bland dude get shot. He doesn’t die though, so he lives to watch Downton Abbey for another dayey for another day.

 

WHITE PEOPLE

WHITE PEOPLE

Eventually they arrive at the woman’s friends house where he’s having a real shindig with her family. There’s booze, food, pill popping, and a fat sister who is the butt of everyones jokes. Hot Dad is PRESSED because he finds out that there is not car and he can’t get to the house where he needs to be. My question is, if you were so bent on killing one specific person and you knew where they lived, why wouldn’t you just drive out to their house a few hours before, park down the street, and then kill them and drive home. He would be home binge watching Arrested Development on Netflix by like 9pm. Idiot.

Anyways, in a hilarious scene the fat sister flips out and reveals that she knew her sister was sleeping with her husband, she then KO’s her mom and shoots her sister to death. The gang dekes out and leaves the remaining family members, I assume this was a 50/50 mix between wanting to not get shot to death and wanting to escape the awkwardness of the entire situation.

 After leaving that uncomfortable family gathering, the gang is immediately snatched by the dirtbike crew and thrown In the back of a truck. At least there won’t be any uneasy family dynamics to deal with in there. The dirtbike gang promptly sell them to a fat guy in a tuxedo who then auctions them off to be hunted by other rich people a la The most dangerous game, or if you’re a lowbrow scumbag like me, a la the pest. Hot Dad saves the day YET AGAIN and dispatches all the rich dicks. Unfortunately in the scuffle there was a bit of a snafu, and Mr. Bland died via multiple gunshots. Can’t win ‘em all! The freedom fighters that were mentioned in the beginning of the movie stormed in literally seconds later, almost as if they were waiting in the wings and the leader was like “wait, I want to see if that bland awful couple gets taken out” but I cannot confirm that. The bland lady decides to stay with the freedom fighters and shoot a bunch of rich people and I was like Thank god that 3rd 

wheel is out of the mix. Now its just HOT DAD and TROUBLED TEEN and POOR MOM. Alright! All star line up. The remaining goof troop steal a car from an old lady and drive to Hot Dads target.

The sun is fully up at this point and I’m thinking that purging seems like more a nighttime activity so its really winding down. The girls plead with hot dad to just let it go and he’s all NOPE I GOT THE URGE.. (puts on sunglasses, pulls down the sunglasses and winks at the camera) TO PURGE. This unfortunately did not happen, but a girl can dream. He busts into the dudes house (who is just snoozing away I might add! What kind of sick freak can catch a full nights sleep during a frigging purge!) anyways, we aren’t sure what happens in the house because it dramatically cuts away for a few minutes, and then shows Hot Dad leaving the house. There’s only 5 minutes left in The Purge and KABLAMMO American Flag hat comes out of nowhere and shoots Hot Dad right in the guts. Awful. But before Mr. ‘Merica can get in the final shot, the drunken child murderer emerges from the house and saves the day by shooting him. Hurray! Hot Dad lives to brood another day. The girls run up just as the purge ends and haul Hot Dad up and make the guy drive them to the hospital. I was hoping so much that when the guy was driving, he would swerve and hit another kid but it didn’t happen. On the way to the hospital Eva was fussing over and smoothing Hot Dads hair and Cali was holding his hand so I’m guessing Hot Dad just got himself a new family!!! Oh the purge, really brings people together. Or blows them apart. With grenades.

So that’s that! We made it another year, and another purge movie. I had fun, I hope you did too. I actually really enjoyed this movie, it was really fun and didn’t try too hard to be anything other than what it was. I give it 4 dirtbike revs out of 5.

-Rigby

 

 

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