Slasher House (2012)

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At this point, it’s safe to say that I have the entire Chemical Burn Entertainment catalog up until now, seeing as how they seem to send me multiple packages each month. The latest batch contained a movie called “Slasher House” which looked painfully shitty based on the computer-generated cover art and the fact that they rarely (to never) release anything halfway watchable. Sometimes, during an evening of drunken boredom, I’ll find myself sifting through some of the CB discs I have piling up and “Slasher House” was selected for no real reason in particular, other than me hoping to laugh at something stupid.
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Now, because I have no idea what the hell this movie was about – even though it is apparent that they were going for some kind of “point” – I’ll just briefly describe it’s senseless, half-baked meandering. It starts with a pink-haired chick – who looks like if Shelley Duvall became a Suicide Girl in her younger days – wakes up in a jail cell with no memory of who she is or how she got there. She comes across a guy in another cell, as well as some shady, suspicious guy in yet another cell. Lots of terribly written dialog is exchanged until a sadistic clown killer appears and chases the girl around for a while until the first guy gets out of his cell and heroically kills it. Then, ‘suspicious guy’ gets free and decides he wants to surgically extract peoples brains. He’s killed by a super strong guy with a silver mask, tribal tattoos and equip with a pair of giant machetes. They find out that removing his mask makes him a weakass motherfucker so, once that’s determined, killing HIM off is a breeze. Then the remaining guy is possessed by a murderous goblin as the movie kicks it’s absurdity into overdrive – revealing that the pink-haired chick is actually some kind of samurai who kills killers…

To be fair, this isn’t the worst thing CB has released. I’ve attempted some real shit-sucking pieces of unadulterated fucking anal waste from them (in case you’re still unsure, they give Brain Damage a run for their money, in terms of unwatchable micro-budget horror films). As for the “positives”; some of the makeup FX/killer designs were okay. Nothing at all GREAT, but passable.

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The negatives…. The terrible acting and dialog, the green lighting that just wore on my nerves the entire time and the longest 85-minute runtime I have ever endured, due to a convoluted mess of a script. I swear, at a certain point I would’ve carved my left nut from it’s fleshy, tender ectoderm and presented it to the gods of mercy just so this fucking thing would end and I could just get blackout drunk in peace. Every time it faded out and I was sure credits would roll, it would fade back into another ridiculous scene and I would yell “Fuck” so loud that the windows rattled.

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If “Slasher House” had been made with even the slightest bit of competence behind it, I don’t doubt that it could’ve been something moderately decent. Instead, it’s just a clumsy cluster fuck of clueless film-making. Or if they had just focused on the visuals and went with THAT instead of trying to tie everything together, it could’ve turned out better, I’d say. The problem is that I feel like it was suppose to make sense, when it should have just bypassed the overly complex efforts to be clever and just turned out a reasonably interesting horror flick. Needless to say, they failed. Also, the sound mixing was beyond shit and – on top of the unintelligible British accents – made deciphering the already weak dialog even more of a fucking chore. “Slasher House” sucks.

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