The Messengers 2: How To Succeed In Curses Without Really Trying

Sometimes I do a thing where I become obsessed with an actor and then watch everything they’ve been in. I do this because I am a creep. Sometimes when I do this, I really have to jump through some hurdles. With Rennerthon I had to watch the really bad movie about Jeffrey Dahmer where Renner had some very tragic bangs. With Viggofest I had to watch Hidalgo, but I watched the stair sex scene from History of Violence twice to make up for it. With Reeduspalooza I had to suffer through the second season of Walking Dead (THAT FUCKING FARM WAS SO BORING) and this cinematic turd.

 

Messengers 2: The Scarecrow is the direct to DVD sequel from the equally forgettable horror movie The Messengers. The movie centers around Norman Reedus and his family dealing with a murderous evil Scarecrow. As If there is any other kind. So without further ado, I present to you my humble review of Messengers 2: The Scarecrow: Electric Boogaloo

Oh boy

 

The corn on Normans farm is seriously the worst shit I have ever seen and I’ve looked at A LOT of corn in my day.  He, however is looking pretty bangable but he has a very dowdy wife who really hit the jackpot as far as unsuccessful husbands go.  She immediately complains that he missed church. Oh boy.  They also have two children but I refuse to bother learning their names. So the first few scenes set up the fact that Norm and Co are fucking terrible at farming and the bank is going to take it unless they can come up with some fat cash. May I suggest bargaining with an evil scarecrow?

Can I just take this moment to talk about how ridiculous Norman Reedus’ voice is? I always forget and then on walking dead when he doesn’t talk for like 4 episodes I’m like “damn give this guy some lines!” and then he does talk and I’m like “Awww honey” It just seems like he would have a scarier voice but he just gets more and more high pitched and cracky the longer he talks. It’s adorable.

Anyways, some shitty ass crows are fucking with Norms crops so he spends a few scenes whipping apples and farming utensils at them before he decides to build….A SCARECROW. He finds a pre made, very evil looking scarecrow in his barn and he’s like “oh score, this isn’t suspicious at all. I don’t know why I never noticed this before, in my barn, on the farm that I own.”

 

Hello there fella

 

His kid who is way too old to be carting around a stuffed rabbit sees it and is all “don’t put that scarecrow up” because he thinks it’s evil. So Norman says he wont and then he asks if he wants to ride the tractor and the kid says no because its too dangerous. This kid better die ASAP because he is the WORST.

UGHHHH So Normans wife popped up from behind something and Norm was like JESUS CHRIST and then his wife chastised him for using the lords name in vain. RUN NORM, GET A DIVORCE. LEAVE YOUR DUMB CHILD, YOUR AWFUL WIFE AND YOUR SHITTY LIFE BEHIND.

 

The next day Norman puts up the scarecrow because promises made to children are easily broken.  A fat man who is his new neighbour also comes over to bring him a 6 pack of beer. Normans new best friend? I hope so! After putting up the scarecrow he hears a little girl giggling and singing in the corn crops, and instead of burning the entire place to the ground, he wanders around and tries to find the source of the noise. You dumb idiot. He doesn’t find anything and the scene just kinda fizzles out. So umm. Yea.

Norman goes back home and his boring wife shows concern that there’s a 6 pack in the fridge. UGHHHH. NORMAN.  WHY.

After a rousing night of bible studies, Norman awakes to find a dead crow on his door step. Isn’t that a good luck charm? “dead crow at dawn, bang a gong” I think that’s how it goes. Anyways ALL the crows are dead. He’s kinda like “eh” about this and just shovels them up into a burlap sack and calls it a day.

 

BUY SOME GLOVES NORMAN THEY ARE LIKE 10 DOLLARS

BUY SOME GLOVES NORMAN THEY ARE LIKE 10 DOLLARS

 

 

While he’s hand bombing dead birds into a sack, without gloves (NORM COME ON) a guy from the bank shows up with his flashy watch and his sunglasses and his pants, and he tries to convince Norm to sell the farm. I think this character exists in every single farm based horror film. I’m sure he won’t die at all.

 

Now the following scene I’m about to describe to you 100% took place. I am not making this up.

 

While checking on his terrible crops, Norman notices a woman walking on the dirt path next to his field. She stops abruptly and starts pouring bottled water all over herself while Norm secretly watches from the crop. The sprinklers then come on and she steps into them, takes off her dress and starts moaning and rubbing her naked breasts while Norman continues to secretly watch from the corn crop. I assume this is why Norman Reedus signed up for this movie.

 

“A sexy lady pours water on her tits in a corn crop? I WANT THIS PART”

 

messengers2pic9

BING BONG

 

This completely baffling scene comes to an abrupt end when the woman sees Norman creeping. He then sprints back to his house, grabs his wife, aggressively makes out with her before he pushes her down on the bed, flips her over and has violent sex with her for about 20 seconds before he stops, says “I’m sorry” and then sadly looks out the window. It was a real whirlwind from start to finish.  Norman you have nothing to apologize for! I would pay to have that man sprint through a cornfield into my waiting lady business! We could look out the window together Norman! Don’t be that way!

 

what I wouldn't give to see those squinty eyes leering at me from some corn

what I wouldn’t give to see those squinty eyes leering at me from some corn

 

Anyways the dude from the bank was wandering around Normans crop for some reason in the dead of night before the scarecrow startles him and causes him to stumble into traffic and die. Well I, for one, can’t believe my earlier prediction of that character living did not come true. Norman hangs out in the corn crop for awhile and finds the bank guy’s watch by the scarecrow. He also hears a little girl screaming. He kinda bumbles around in the cornfield before turning up at the home of the fat guy from earlier. And by “home” I mean “gross caravan parked in the woods” He confides to the fat man that he found the bank guys watch by the scarecrow and that he is concerned something in the milk ain’t clean. The fat guy is like “pffft your corncrop DEFINITELY isn’t haunted, I wouldn’t question ANYTHING, and you should FOR SURE sell that watch you found” while sweating nervously.  Norm is like “you know what, you’re making a lot of sense, mysterious stranger I just met” and takes his advice because he’s a fucking moron.

 

the face of a reasonable man

the face of a reasonable man

 

While on a nightly creep around his own property he peeks into the living room window and finds his wife confiding in another man about how she is concerned that Norm is cursing and drinking. Bitch, for real. He drank one 6 pack and said Jesus Christ once, and you got a vigorous, exciting pounding out of the deal! I don’t know what the hell she’s complaining about.

So in retaliation, Norm slinks away into the house and opens the fridge. Oh wtf! the 6 pack is still in there!! So she was complaining about him just possessing a 6 pack?!? This bitch has got to go. Norm grabs the beer and some corn and heads out for some porch drinkin’ and corn eatin’  like you do.  The deadly combination of corn and tasty suds make him have a fucked up nightmare where he is the scarecrow (DEEP STUFF) This part is amazing because for a few seconds Dream Reedus and Scarecrow Reedus just shout at each other.

 

AHH A CLUMSY METAPHOR AHHHH

AHH A CLUMSY METAPHOR AHHHH

 

As soon as he wakes up he realizes his corn is super great looking, and he celebrates by touching a lot of it. It was pretty weird. During his corn touching spree he finds a mans ring. He then returns home where his wife takes a break from telling him he sucks to tell him that the dude she was talking to last night is dead. She notices Norm’s new flashy piece of man jewelry and freaks out because it’s the dead guys ring. This wife is just terrible.  When you take a marriage vow, you have to let your husband drink 6 packs, fall asleep on the porch, poorly grow corn and murder the occasional interloper. ITS JUST HOW IT WORKS.

 

Also a yearly leering at womens boobies while you watch from a corncrop

Also a yearly leering at womens boobies while you watch from a corncrop

 

Norm is starting to figure out that the very clearly evil Scarecrow is real and tries to take it down but instead he slices his fucking hand open on a sliver. Oh Norm.  He returns later to try again but instead gets really faint and starts seeing blood run from the corn along with a very filthy looking girl. This movie is so fucking brutal.  She says something cryptic about the land being evil before getting cut in the back with a scythe and dying. In response to this, Norm runs back to his house and drinks a beer. I think they forgot the cameras were rolling and he was just kinda puttering around the set.

After some drinking and hanging out, Norman’s like “oh right! The scarecrow!” and he sets the scarecrow on fire. Well I guess this is the end of the movie.

Oh wait. There’s still 30 minutes left.

His wife comes to visit him at the scarecrow burning pile and tells him she’s leaving him. SAYONARA SUCKER YOU ARE TERRIBLE.

Norman then just watches the scarecrow burn for awhile while a coyote howls in the distance. It was very depressing. He then decides to go visit his fat buddy for some cheering up and guess who opens the door?? That sexy lady from earlier! Who is apparently married to the fat man. I assume black magic or genie magic is involved.

She makes Norman some tea and lounges around in a blue robe for awhile and Norman is like “gulp!” Actually. He actually gulps.

Ok this next scene is very upsetting and came completely out of left field. I don’t know why it was included or what it adds to the plot but here we are.

Sexy lady looks at his gross cut hand and rubs some ointment on it. In a very sexy way! She’s then like “guess what bozo? I saw you looking at my goodies and I WAS INTO IT” And then licks his finger. Is this a sexy move? I see this in movies all the time but I think it would be weird to attempt in real life.

Norman decides to leave, but when he gets up he’s all woozy because she drugged his tea. Then as he’s passing out, she pushes him on the bed and rapes him. I’m serious. It’s fucked up. I don’t know why this happened. NORM WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO YOU.  I don’t know why they would put such a fucked up real life thing in a movie about haunted scarecrows. It was very jarring. I’m also very confused about how that would work, like the mechanics of it. I mean I’m not a doctor so I don’t know how boners work. Well I know how they work, but you know what I mean. I’ve never raped a man is what I’m trying to get at I guess.

 

MY PRECIOUS ANGEL

MY PRECIOUS ANGEL

 

He wakes up a few hours later and his rapist is like well my husband will be home soon, you should go. So he grabs his clothes and dignity and runs home. Once he arrives, his wife freaks out at him. He at no point mentions how he got raped less than 24 hours ago. Oh also, the scarecrow is back.  Fat man comes to visit him and says his wife knows about black magic and that she might be able to help with the evil scarecrow problem, so  Norman goes back to the rape caravan and talks to them. AT NO POINT DOES HE MENTION THIS WOMAN RAPED HIM.

Fat man and the rapist (This fall on NBC) confess to him that they know all about the evil scarecrow and that fat man has been using the magic of the evil scarecrow to make his own farm successful. This movie is just going completely off the rails. I don’t think you can bounce back very easily from a male rape scene.  They tell Norman to get rid of his family so he runs home. This movie is like 60% scenes of him running to his house, 38% scenes of his wife nagging him, and 2% scenes of him getting raped.

Norman asks the local sheriff for help in proving his scarecrow is evil and the sheriff is like “ok” because why not. I should also add he does not report his rape to the sheriff. Fat man and the rapist appear to tell him to kill his family again. They knock the sheriff out and then Normans wife appears to ask who he is talking to. Norman then gets very shrill and starts flailing around trying to explain he was talking to the fat man and his rapist wife but she doesn’t believe him because they somehow disappeared. Are they ghosts? I have no idea what the fuck is going on at this point. She then sees the sheriff and she runs out while Norman screeches and flails.

Norman’s family then try to run from him while he chases them through the corn. I’m also pretty sure he’s holding a scythe. Maybe not a great idea if you’re trying to convince your family of your innocence.  Normans dumb son runs back to the house (like father like son) and gets chased around by the scarecrow for awhile and then kills the sheriff because the writers forgot to put that in the film earlier and realized they only had 10 more minutes to work with. Luckily Norman appears at the last minute and the scarecrow hisses at him (Sure why not) for a bit before they start fist fighting. It’s amazing. In the final climax of the film,  the entire family comes together to kill the shit out of the scarecrow and it was a great bonding experience. The movie ends with the family reunited by the unspoken bond of destroying an evil scarecrow together.

 

the teen girl seems just mildly irritated by all of this.

the teen girl seems just mildly irritated by all of this.

Well what a fun sexy time this was for us all. We had some laughs, saw some corn. It was definitely a great way to waste an hour and 45 minutes. Sure there’s a few loose ends like the fact there’s a dead sheriff in their barn and I assume their crops will go back to sucking ass now that the magical scarecrow is dead, I have no idea where that old fat man and his hot wife went, and Norman is a rape victim, but what can you do.

I give this movie 6 corn cobs out of 10.

@Rigbot

2 responses to “The Messengers 2: How To Succeed In Curses Without Really Trying

  1. That was hilarious…… and so very true… haha the bottled water and tits scene must have been the only reason he went for this movie… I could totally imagine that..

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