We live in an age where fantastic advances in technology are all around us, and it is with these advents of iPods and eBay and complicated sounded vaccines that are likely forms of government mind control, that we allow many of the amazing literary achievements of our generation fall by the way side..  and sadly, I am one of these poor souls.

While I was busy paying rent, dyeing my hair and looking at my iPod, real advances in story telling were going on around me, barelling forth like a runaway internet blogger headed for the hoagie table, unbridled like a dark horse from that katy perry song, and a lot of other fast things.  I must have been putting on makeup or doing the South Beach Diet because I was somehow able to have a stroke and completely overlook Twilight, a teen romance novel by a truly amazing writer named Stephenie Meyer, who is also a Mormon, but because she is a rational person who doesn’t allow religion to dilute the process of good story telling, she didn’t allow any of her religious beliefs to taint this fairy tale romance which is as old as time itself and fresh as new fallen snow.

Since I always do and buy whatever the talking box in my living room tells me to, I of course bought the Twilight books and read them all, but I think I was really busy doing body shots and writing thesis papers so I forgot about them sort of, and I wasn’t able to see the movies because I was shopping and then my dog got sick and I had to take it to the vet.  Recently, I was bored and decided to watch Twilight and it was AMAZING and I really wanted to write this review because Twilight has changed me and I think it’s for the better.


I think the reason I didn’t read the rest of the books was because I was smoking a lot of the marijuana trying to compensate for not being pretty, which is totally dumb, because now that I have watched Twilight, I understand that you can be really mousy and have a face like a foot and the hottest boy in school will totally be all over you and might occaisionally cyber/real stalk you and might obsessively grow to love you.  I really think that Robert Pattinson was the perfect Edward Cullen, as he is so hot, I may have plunged my toilet to him a few times, and you know even though masturbation is dangerous and likely a very complicated subject for someone like me, he only appeared to me once to advise me to stop but I was too far gone, I just had to finish and so I did, and really maybe that was the greatest thing you know because I think that Bella Swan is really a complicated character and you know that maybe if she had allowed Edward to tongue mash her fartbox a bit she wouldn’t be so sad.


baseball hats and sadness

I mean aside from Bella’s foot face, the truth is that she is most appealing I think because she is every girl.  Shes not too beautiful or too ugly..  she doesn’t have any clothes from Hot Topic on, because we all know that if you’re a fatty fatty fat bat with black makeup on your face, even the hottest boy in school is not going to like you, because Twilight shows us that the average foot faced mouse goblin can get a boyfriend….  AVERAGE FOOT FACED MOUSE GOBLIN, not hideous troll..  So if you happen to be a hideous troll, i guess you can always hope for second best Jacob Black because really thats all you have going for you.

Twilight is really helpful in informing the viewer that not only can you be a dead average and get a hot boy, it also demonstrates a lot of good life lessons for young women – walk around by yourself at night, because if you’re cute no one will hurt you – scary men only want to rape girls with short skirts and since you’re wearing jeans from the Gap, you’re basically a potato to them and everyone knows that potatoes are starchy and have a lot of carbs so no one eats them, especially not at McDonalds.


i call this look, “a slight stroke”

Some more lessons that it allows you to learn is to never have an expression on your face.  In order to be a solid average it is best to not have feelings, which should be relatively simple since you have been likely getting passed over for other people with personalities for YEARS, so that should just be given and really – once a girl finds a dreamy boyfriend, there isn’t much left for her to do in life than to throw a lunch together for him and bear the brunt of his verbal diarrhea and smouldering belligerently sexy good looks for forever.

Twilight really just wants the love lorn teen to understand that sometimes first loves are really forever even though that doesn’t make too much sense and who would want to marry the first person they allowed to fingerbang their preteen booboo, because oh my god, if I had done that I would be married to literally a gay man right now, but hey thats okay, because you really just need to hold onto that slim chance because really what else is there in life but an extremely small chance that someone who is super hot will come and booboo your pranner.

Aside from all these good and solid life morals with lots of things to learn for young women about good looking boyfriends in American Apparel shirts, a lot of the critics really failed to see how beautifully shot and cinematic Twilight was.  Save for showcasing the beauty of the Pacific Northwest, there was a lot of blue high lighting used in the film and it goes to show you that your life can go from being blue, to not so blue in the span of one movie.


i’m blue, i’m in need of a guy

I’m really excited that i finally turned a new leaf when it comes to my reviews and am excited to now officially be able to call myself a Twi-hard fan of Twilight and I really hope that my Team Edward shirt comes in the mail only about six years too late, but you know it’s like they say, better late than never and I really hope I can get started on my Twilight tattoo, I’ve been looking at some photos on the internet and I really like this one:


I’m really jealous at the immense amount of flesh that the tattooist had to work with in order to create that masterpiece and I think I should probably stop drinking smoothies and hitting the gym so hard, because my dreamy boyfriend is probably just around the corner and hopefully he looks like Edward Cullen.  I really enjoy being followed around.

So until next time kids, always be on the look out for dreamy boyfriends, be sure to read Twilight and also watch the movies, and above all ALWAYS STAY SPOOKY…  Oh, and Happy April Fool’s, you ignorant bastards.

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