Suburban Sasquatch (2004)

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I don’t even really know what to make of something like “Suburban Sasquatch”. It would have to be classified as a total ‘goof’ movie, as there is absolutely NO conceivable way this was meant to be taken even remotely serious. Of course, though, when watching a “film” like this, you really WANT to believe that they were trying to make something with merit and failed miserably, seeing as how it doesn’t really come across as a straight-up parody flick. That’s a fun idea and it obviously does happen and we get to point and laugh at some poor, talentless – yet ambitious asshole’s cinematic blunder, but, in the case of this shit heap, I can’t accept that proposal. Not unless the movie was shot by a bunch of blindfolded autistics…

So, there’s a magical Bigfoot creature reeking havoc around a Pennsylvania suburb while some reasonably hot Native American broad with magic arrows is sent out to hunt it down. After a few near misses and TERRIFYING encounters with the savage beast, she eventually teams up with a wimpy news writer, desperately looking for his next big story.

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It should come as no surprise that the premise here wasn’t all that spectacular or even mildly interesting. The only thing “Suburban Sasquatch” had going for it was it’s cavalcade of ungodly amateurish practical AND digital effects. The technical ingenuity the film displayed had all the fucking fluidity and professionalism of a “Tim & Eric” sketch – one of the worst being the tossing of a police car, which consisted of a superimposed, one-dimensional, disproportionate image of a car that is supposedly thrown, though appears upright and in place in the very next shot. There’s also a scene where a group of redneck hunters toss a net over, and subdue, the suburban Sasquatch, which, for some inexplicable reason, called for an entirely CGI creature AND net while all the Bigfoot is doing is laying there motionless. Also, this movie features one of the cheesiest (albeit, hilarious looking) Bigfoot costumes ever captured on camera. For some reason, they felt the need to give it big lumpy tits with giant nipples, clearly drawn on with lipstick. And it’s roar sounded like violent, flu-induced diarrhea shit cramps on a tight, poorly recorded loop.

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There’s no two ways about it. This movie is fucking awful, but that’s clearly the point. I mean, you actually need to put forth effort to make a movie of this caliber of all encompassing shittiness. The effects – both the overused rubber limbs and piss-poor CG – take the cake, here. Then, you got the terrible acting (such as a fat cop struggling to free his fat girlfriend from the deadly clutches of the occasionally 9-foot tall Sasquatch, which easily constitutes as one of the most shoddily filmed “action” sequences I’ve ever seen), constant bloopers and a fucking MAGICAL Bigfoot creature that can disappear and turn into a giant at will. I’ll just say, “Suburban Sasquatch” deserves an award AND recognition for being what it is. I haven’t been this entertained by such schlock since I made my way through the Polonia Brothers filmography.
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-@Gorepump

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