Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead

Zombie-Ass

As much as I love horror movies, I really feel alienated by its fans. No offence. I’m just a fuddy duddy. I feel like while I’m tolerant of just about anything, so many horror movies give me a reason to say “pass.” It makes perfect sense that I write for a horror site then, no?
In my old age (ahem) I have found that while I am hard to offend, that there are things I just don’t need to see or hear. I loved black metal once: it now grates on my nerves. I think the war on drugs is ridiculous: I do not want to hear about how effed up you got, dude. I do not think that sex and violence in media create school shooters: but I do not want boobs and entrails in my face for 90 minutes. I’m even trying to swear less in my writing. What I am trying to say is, have I told you about our Lord Jesus Christ?
AHEM. Anyway, I’d be perfectly content to be the palate cleanser guy here on this fine site, reviewing classic horror and pretending Hostel doesn’t exist. But that doesn’t make for much fun does it? So my gift to you is I’m going to step out of my comfort zone, and crawl into the mud with you glorious little piggies to review a movie, as the Bossman here at Drunk in a Graveyard put it, will give me an aneurism to watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Japan’s “Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (2011)”
First glance at the Netflix pane tells me “you are going to hate this before you even get 5 minutes in.” Step into my mind won’t you? First of all Zombie ASS. In the title. Is it a new slang word for how your anus feels after some post binge drinking diarrhea ? No. Literal undead ass. Second, the subtitle Toilet of the Dead; in case you thought you read wrong, they meant ass… as in the thing you poop out of. Into a toilet. But of the dead because remember, zombies. Get it? Romero is beyond fuming mad that he got scooped on this title.

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Lastly, the cover. It’s Japanese fetish to a disturbing degree. Teenage Japanese girl, in sailor suit that is ripped to shreds, holding a shotgun, covered in either blood or feces, and the head of zombie sticking up out of a toilet hole. Also, detached phallic tentacle around her leg. Now, I ask you, how much do I love you dear readers? The answer, too much. Too much. If Zontal can watch Santa Claws multiple times, I can get through this once, right? Pushing play.
If you’ve seen any Asian horror movie, the look and feel is immediately familiar. Much like anime, there seems to be a format, and this hits a lot of the same beats. Tokyo Shock has exposed us to a lot of the East’s more “interesting” films, and this one looks to rank up there with some of the more perplexing. It has a plot, believe it or not, so already it is an improvement of Tetsuo, Happiness of the Katakuirs, or Ju-On.
Our film opens with a young girl, in her father’s medical office (or Frankenstein’s Japanese workspace) complaining that “It hurts.” Sailor uniforms are all women wear in Japan until they evolve from cute teen to mature woman, at which time they become Kimono-Type. Also, not to expose too much about my own personal experiences, but in Japanese movies, women in pain, women in terror, and women in the throes of ecstasy all sound exactly alike. Spoiler, it is not erotic in the least.
Her nose is bleeding, she is bent over, and tells her father it is too embarrassing to say. Then he leads a Western zombie in on a chain. Look, I have a daughter. I hope her mother handles every bit of medical lady talk with her. But if it falls to me to have the frank discussion of the glory of the reproductive system and the many landmines Intelligent Design has laid for womankind, I would hope my object lesson would not be to drag a murderous, unpredictable reanimated corpse into the room. Also the zombie looks like Jackie Chan.
Zombie roars, lightning strikes, thunder crashes, and the doctor daddy yells “It will come out any time!” And starts beating the hell out of Zombie Chan with a boxing glove. Yes that. Left hand holding the chain leash, right hand in a boxing mit, punching the Popeye out of this undead salary man. 2 minutes of movie folks, I already hate you. Also, the girl looks on, not horrified, but almost tantalized, and the doctor raises his fist for “the final blow.” Hit hits the zombie so hard he starts spitting up miso soup, and the doctor demands his daughter make put with the zombie because “here it comes!” Mouth. To. Mouth. More terrifying than that? She states “I’ll never get use to this! It’s coming out!”
Cue incredibly sexy asian models in daisy dukes dancing, shaking ass cheeks, and traveling through a colon while eating hot dogs. Light emits from butt hole. End credit sequence. Start slo-mo sailor girl bullying. And something about a jar of roaches. And a road trip with a stoned driver. And a carsick Japanese chaperone/teacher with the acting chops of Roberto Benigni.

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A van load of super cute teens, a bookwork professor, a stoned hunk (I guess?), and an enormous chested hussy loose in a remote area of woods. Eli Roth, we found your Japanese doppelganger. Everyone has nets and there is talk of dead sisters and trying to catch parasites (to eat and lose weight says Chesty-San). Slo-mo shapeless legs run to the river, yell cute things, and get attacked by a trout. Megumi, our sailor suit hero, apparently is a martial arts master and saves the day.
There is a hard to watch sloppy makeout scene, karate, and female bonding. And trout gutting. Oh look, a tape worm. The D cup eats it. Megumi pukes. Third puke scene in 13 minutes, and gets cornered alone by the creepster druggie. Oh good, rape scene… nope Megumi kicks his ass. Now the camp is divided into two cliques (druggie and chesty vs others), but no time to fight, a zombie shows up. And bites off druggie’s finger. Megumi roundhouse kicks the zombie, and breaks its neck. Killing it. And we see a long, lingering white cotton panty shot. Ah Japan. Oh, and someone drives off with their van,
I have a feeling this is going to turn into Versus meets the River Wild. Except that there is a creepy, long haired girl in the woods wearing a vintage black dress. And an abandoned village. For a moment, there is actually tension and this seems like a good low budget horror. Until Chesty starts making god awful noises from her stomach, and bending over in, um, pain? Cleavage, near upskirt, mugging by professor Benigni, and plot device 11 is introduced. The pieces are set up already, lets end this chess match already.
Having to visit chocolate town, our buxom lady runs into the village to find an outhouse. Japanese outhouses look like out, only just have he squat hole at floor level. And do not have a crude crescent moon carved into the door. I fear this may become soft core scat porn.

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Yup, I’m right. If that bare ass, adorable as it was, turns any of you on. You are sick in the head.
So much poop, and a zombie in the shithole. Turds in face and all. Then zombie then creates a scene that I will forever refer to as “The Japanese Psycho Scene.” Instead of Bosco and shower, we have a diarrhea coated hand, emerging from the crapper, and feeling up her buttcheeks, intermittently spanking her. Wet. Poopy. Handprints. The poop monster crawls up, gets farted on, does a zombie shark attack, covers giant perfect naked breasts in poop, tries to rape her, gets racked. I may ever achieve erection again.
As the zombie lumbers after out now half-nude heroine, who no one heard scream until she emerged from the outhouse, subtitles tell us the frantic cries of her companions say “This is without a doubt crazy.”
And so are you if you think I am going to continue a play by play at this point. I sort of want to die.

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Tom summarize, the outhouse was the portal to the poop-zombie realm, and now that it has been disturbed, several of these wretched creatures are loosed upon our unsuspecting earth. In case you are wondering, the title of the film is not a misdirection. There is so much ass. And farting clouds that form Satan’s face. And piles of poop. And poop on faces. Poop throwing zombies. And chestburster-style parasites that tear out of the host’s body thru its anus. Yes, you see it. Gaping,prolapsed, goatse-style anus with fanged worm monster emerging. Looks like the kill a contaminated trout and eat the tapeworm inside was a terrible idea for weight loss.
After the chesty girl gets taken by zombies, the gang meets a villager that are in hiding I Am Legend style, only he’s infected. As timing would have it, he fights off the worm long enough to explain the parasite tries to eat your brain, then pulls a Cobain. The movie becomes NOTLD meets Evil Dead. With more attempted rape. And deadly face sitting. And poop. So much poop.

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The gore is the tamest part of the movie, ranking what I would call SyFy style effects. But some of the stuff truly is icky. Its body horror, but not how Cronenburg does it. The action scenes are funny in the style of Evil Dead and Dead Alive. The plot devices add up, and soon we learn tat he girl in black is the girl from the intro. The doctor saves the gang and brings them to his clinic where he further explains the parasite. Not to be outdone by Ridley Scott, we learn that the parasites come from the fish, or from eggs laid in humans from zombie bites… the parasites then grow to… never mind. Shower scenes. Petite teen strip scene. Lesbian voyeurism. This whole movie makes me feel unclean.
Oh, did I mention the doctor makes her deep throat the penile parasites then bend over for a slow, deliberate acid enema? Then pulls the phallic parasite from her ass slowly? For science. He does what he must because he can. This whole movie is so damn wrong.
There is another plot twist, but honestly you don’t care. If you do, after what I have written already, then watch the movie yourself. For those of you here to just get the tasty bits, the movie finishes up with a lot more puking, the whole forest alive with zombies, the team infected by the mad doctor, nerd rage, farting, more ass bursters, poop, sexual harassment, tentacle rape (why is this so rape-y?), and ass. Oh and a scene of zombie face sitting where a woman looking like a drugged out Asian Mariah Carey tries to kill a man by humping his face with a half-emerged parasite schlong.
I may not always be here, writing for this website, guiding you through life. But never doubt my love for you. I watched Zombie Ass for you. And hated every minute of it. You are welcome.

Carl Smith

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