The Night Before Vargsmas

Well, as we have said before, Vargsmas comes but once a year..  so let’s gather around the smouldering ruins of your local church and hear tell this legend of how Varg Vikernes saved Vargsmas for the drunks of the graveyard.

Image

The Night Before Vargsmas:

Twas the night before Vargsmas,

And all through the yard

Not a drunk was yet risen

Except Johnny Zontal who was fucking a big St. Bernard

Wicked’s bondage gear and fishnets were strewn all around

And there were empty booze bottles littering the ground

The drunks were all holding their heads in such pain

For the night previous they had played a drinking game

Scotty Floronic with his dreadlocks

And Lucky his smile

Were coming up with a plan

To take the edge off a while

When out by the tombstones

There came such a commotion

The drunks came out to find Robin making a potion

With Kool-Aid and bleach and a dab of frog’s breath

She declared to no one, “this will make fine crystal meth”

And Wicked whose skin was as pale as the snow

Bared her fangs that give stirrings to parts down below

“I like this plan” she declared with great glee

“But while you are at it darling can you brew some shroom tea?”

Sadly for those drunks their dealer was dry

It almost brought tears to Miss Poeseur’s eye

Carl Brillo was ready to throw in the towel

He had an expression on his face that made him look like an owl

“Now Rigbot, Now Brillo, Now Johnny and Scott, Now Poeser, Lucky and Robin,

don’t forget who we have got –

the power of Satan for he is our homey

And unlike those other blogs, we are anything but phony..”

The voice that came crackling,

Well it boomed like a roar

And it sounded strangely similar

To the one that howls on Burzum’s “War”

When there he appeared,

Looking grim as ever,

Varg Vikernes whose insanity is only rivalled by Jim Van Bebber

“Do not despair heathens for I have brought you this mead,

Now drink up good warriors and make your enemies BLEED!”

His mouth was unsmiling but in his eyes was a gleam

His clothes also reeked strongly of pure gasoline

“Now come good bloggers and swear to metal most black

Because once you go Vargy you never go back”

“I have brought you some booze,

some shrooms and cocaine

And a few Burzum LPs to help ease your painb”

And with an iconic smile that haunts Christian dreams

He disappeared into the night amid the grimmest of screams

And Rigbot who was tightly clutching a bottle of gin

Whispered softly, “Varg Vikernes for the win”

And thus the drunks spent their Vargsmas

The only way that was right

Drunk as a skunk, and high as a kite.

Merry Vargsmas!  I hope Vargy brings you all the weapons and mead you desire so you can spend a most joyous new year bathing in the blood of your enemies and keeping the home fires burning with the ruins of your local church.  HAIL VARGY!

Jimmies rustled? Wanna fight about it? Let us know why below!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s