Every so often, you come across something that makes you question not only it’s existence, but your existence as well. Such is the case with 2013’s The Leaf Blower Massacre. To call it a movie would be misleading, not only due to it’s lack of quality, but also because it’s a 12 minute short. Shit, even “short” isn’t right. That would imply that it tells a complete story, or at the very least, attempts to. If I had to describe this, I’d call it “three random scenes of a crap movie, presented with absolutely zero context”, but since that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, from here on out, I’ll just refer to it as a thing.

I think Marty McFly dressed as Darth Vader from Planet Vulcan was more threatening

So this thing starts with a baby looking out a window, and then IMMEDIATELY jump cuts to “20 Years Later.” I guess the baby is supposed to be the killer. No other information is given. I guess the killer’s dark origin story is that he was a baby shortly after he was born? There really isn’t any point to this. I’d call it padding, but this thing is only 12 minutes. Would 10.5 minutes be any less respectable? Already, we’re off to a bad start.
So in a thing called Leaf Blower Massacre, you would expect the plot to involve you know… killing a bunch of people with a leaf blower? I guess the obvious problem with that scenario is that a leaf blower is maybe the least threatening gardening tool there is. Hedge clippers, lawn mowers, hell… even a garden hose are more plausible murder weapons. I guess that’s the joke though? Is it a joke?

Seriously, if a guy blew leaves at me, my 1st reaction wouldn’t be to assume he was a maniac. It would be to punch him in the dick

The killer’s M.O. seems to be to slightly annoy people with a leaf blower, chase them around for a bit, and kill them off screen. I mean, I guess he kills them. He at least hits them with the leaf blower, which when you think about it, if you are going to bludgeon someone to death, something that is cumbersome, makes a lot of noise, and requires an electrical outlet to use is not the ideal murder weapon. Seriously… A rock would be better. He could go all Sleepaway Camp sequel and use a log, and THAT would be better. At the end, he is shown having an array of small tools, like a hammer or a wrench. Literally ANY of those would be better.

Sadly, the only sign of brains in this shit piece.

The title is an obvious homage to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, so maybe Leaf Blower Massacre has a better ring than Tiny Hammer Massacre, i guess? HOWEVER, it is shown at the end that he had a fucking circular saw in his ghetto kill room. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! Not only is Circular Saw Massacre a better and more clever title, it is also a much better murder weapon than a leaf blower. I mean, sure it makes a lot of noise, and you need to plug it in, BUT THE SAME IS TRUE WITH THE GODDAMN LEAF BLOWER!

Tell me that wouldn’t have been at least 100 times cooler.

I hate this thing. I hate this thing, and if this had an audience, it would pretty much be me. It is stupid, not funny, not scary, borderline racist and misogynistic
, and literally has zero plot. All of these things would be less offensive if this was a stupid youtube video, or something, but this is being presented as a finished product! The DVD had menu screens and special features, for sobbing out loud. I hate when things try to be intentionally bad. It’s the laziest trend in filmmaking, and this thing STINKS of laziness. It is very apparent that a guy shot something with a few friends in an afternoon with literally whatever he could find around the house, drew up a “script” in a half hour, and fancied himself a filmmaker. With modern media, it has never been easier to create and market your own artistic projects. Cameras are relatively cheap. You can download free editing software. And you can use social media to market it yourself. While this can be a great tool for people with an actual vision to make something that they would have otherwise not been able to, it also poses the question… Just because you CAN make a movie, does that mean you SHOULD make a movie? Hell, even idiots like me who give shit like this attention are part of the problem. This fact isn’t lost on me, believe me. In fact, the only reason that this thing came in to my possession is that someone who I won’t name with more legitimacy and self respect had enough sense to refuse to review it. In the end, the best thing I can say about this thing is that while it was a dumb, lazy, waste of time, it only wasted 12 minutes of my time. So thank you for that. That much was at least appreciated.

-Johnny Zontal ( @johnnyzontal )

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