Recently I (Robin) had to have a horribly infected wisdom tooth removed and had a complication of the procedure that involved a punctured sinus and a nice little side of dry socket (it really sucked) and I ended up on some pretty intense pain pills there for a couple days.. Many of you might be going, “Yay! Drugs!” but let me just say that this wasn’t a drink til you puke type of bender, it was more of a stumble into the kitchen mumbling incoherently to yourself, wearing nothing but underwear, and spill orange juice on the cat type of bender.. It was really just sad. Also I kept having these strange dreams about Henry Rollins and I rediscovered this awesome little bit from him on raves and drugs:
That really never gets old. It really doesn’t. Also after dicking around for a bit online I also found this:
Anyways, as with most things in my life, as soon as I get on one subject I have a bad habit of just running with it, and with the re-interest in Henry Rollins I have found myself watching a few films with him in them.. Though I really have to say that I didn’t like Feast, I do have a special place in my heart for Wrong Turn 2.
Whenever I would come home super drunk or high from parties I would usually put on either Wrong Turn 2 or House of the Dead 2 because they are both so intensely bad they are something like cartoons and since cartoons are fucking sweet, here’s my rather drunken review of Wrong Turn 2 because REASONS.
Wrong Turn 2 is one of those super ridiculous movies that teaches us to be afraid of hideous inbred hillbilly mutants and also that reality TV is a strong premise for poor cinema. The flick starts off with some dumb whore driving down the road to get to her reality TV shoot and she’s all talking on a cellphone and shit trying to be important and she runs over a mutant child thing and when she gets out to help it, ends up getting kinda fucked over.
So that’s pretty well one stupid character down, right there. The premise of this film is that a reality survival series is being filmed in some random ass backwoods location, and is being hosted by Henry Rollins who plays a retired marine colonel/general badass/himself.
The show is being run by some cunt in a Battle Royale shirt, who convinces his homely ass girlfriend to act as a stand in for the blonde whore who found herself cut in half at the beginning. Since the homely girl apparently has no self esteem or self respect (demonstrated by her willingness to bang a dude in baggy pants), she agrees to act as a stand in and the mismatched troup heads off to their tribal location (?).
The idea of the reality show is that the world has been devastated by some sort of catastrophic event and now it’s all about fight for survival? Cormac McCarthy is all “that’s cute”.
Oh also the show is called, “The Apocalypse” and the crew begins filming with a spirited harangue from Henry Rollins (who is a foxy mother fucker if you ask me), and the group of misfits are explained the various rules of the games – radiation posioning, potential attacks by crazies (can we say foreshadowing?), and other random nonsense that seems super important to reality TV.. like titties, and love interests and a random angry vegan goth girl, who also played the Wiccan character in Blair Witch Project 2 (which is actually way more entertaining than the first one).
The loud noises from the show alert the random mutants that are marauding through the area to come and enjoy a free lunch, and shortly after the show begins some dude gets scalped, and Henry Rollins gets taken captive (which actually only functions to remove him for a good portion of the movie.. likely because the cast and crew were afraid of him..).
Anyways the group pairs off or whatever and the homely girlfriend and angry vegan are all dicking around in the woods and Sarah plain and tall sets off a twist of fate alarm and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum then have to run around in the woods a bit looking for a river. I shit you not the vegan chick asks “where is the river?” and when they do come to the river it is a roaring white water rapid.. like Jesus Christ lady, you couldn’t hear that? Fuck you better lay off the chia seeds and start on a steady diet of cheeseburgers because your lack of protein is severely impairing your hearing.
Meanwhile after the idiot parade solves their twist of fate (which is anthrax poisoning), the black football player and trashy whore get set up for some on screen sucky fucky, which doesn’t end up happening because the nasty girl looks like she could be potentially harboring any number of communicable diseases.. but hey tits.
After the trampy girl is turned down by the football playing black dude (is that racist? it seems a bit racist), the dick in the baggy pants director ends up getting in her booty shorts and Sarah plain and tall and Davey Havok’s angry sister end up witnessing it somehow?
Like Ok, you can’t hear a river running through the forest and two people fucking, but you have decided to play on a reality TV series involving survival.. seems a bit fucked. Pretty sure if you’re an animal and you are deaf, you’re going to have a pretty short life.. nothing against deaf people or anyone with hearing loss, I’m just saying there’s not too many deaf rabbits out there.
The third pairing of this abortion of television is the dumb jock and angry lesbian and he’s off trying desperately to fuck her and she’s all GI Jane in the woods, and it’s actually just sort of offensive for both genders. Not all lesbians are crazed angry army rats and not all guys who like sports are fist pumping broskies.. but hey, whatever works.
Hahahaha, I realized after writing that an intelligent bro is likely rarer than a bearded unicorn, so if you find a guy that is both a bro and has half a brain.. fuck his brains out girls because he’s a keeper (and likely smells good too!). Did I ever write about how the yoga studio I go to has a muscle monkey gym right underneath and I’ll be in the middle of a nice Savansana only to hear two dudes barking at each other “DO YOU EVEN LIFT BRAH?! PUSH IT OUT!” It makes for a very meditative experience for me and I suggest you all try it. the sound of the hooting and dog barking and Gangnam Style on repeat is enough to induce a shamanic trance for even the hippest of non-believers.
Anyways, after the skanky girls fucks her way into more camera time, she decides to lounge around a bit on the river bank, and the lesbian and dumb jock run across a mysterious camp where some… ruuump roast is being cooked over the fire. AHAHAHAHA. Anyways they decide to take it with them for some eating..
The vegan and the homely girl are all womanly angry and righteous talking about ball stomping and how men are pigs and the like and then they randomly come across a cabin that looks it is off the set of Deliverance and the one chick decides she’s going to call for help from the cabin?
What this left me wondering was.. did no one scout this area? This all seems to be happening not that far from society and you’d think of there was just bands of roving monkey mutant hillbillies crawling around that a trucker would have run one or five over, maybe? They also go into great detail in saying how they’ve planted traps and what not all over, but in all their pre planning for this show they didn’t happen to run across mutant tent city?
Anyways, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass Vegan wander into this horribly dilapidated shack looking for a phone and Starbucks and instead find a mutant family with a young mother in the throes of labour..? Again, they couldn’t have heard the horrible caterwauling from outside? I can hear my cat meowing from across the street and they’re all on the deck, “Helloooo.. is anyone hooome?”
Ugh, fuck. Honestly I just want all of these people to die.
Oh and if that ^^, right up there doesn’t make you even the tiniest bit turned on, then we can’t be friends I don’t think. I might have to print this out for some fap material for later.
Anyways back to the movie, since apparently mutant birth voyeurism is frowned upon quite deeply, the vegan and the plain girl end up in quite a tussle with the mutant family and the plain girl finds herself dead and strapped to the hood of an old chevy.. and she wasn’t even able to tell her boyfriend how much of an asshole he was for fucking a sexy girl and then dump him.. but call him everytime she has a couple of gin and tonics much to the embarassment of her friends.
Also, you get to see this super hideous baby sucking on a finger, because hey, start em young on the human meat..
Anyways, moving on, meanwhile Henry Rollins is quite literally HANGING OUT at another redneck hillbilly mansion/cabin where he sees a creepy redneck mutant gutting a human, and then the rest drive up with Sarah Plain and Tall strapped to the hood of the truck, but she’s dead. Henry wiggles around for a bit before punching a redneck in the dick and then cutting his feet down from where he is being hung and then straight up beating the fuck out of this mutant while his hands are tied.. I figure this is something Henry practices doing at the gym.. it must be. I mean hey why not, it must be good exercise.
Henry is able to kill the mutant and then runs into a crazy old man who agrees to patch him up and the dude just sits around drinking Pepto Bismol and gives Henry the backstory of the mutants in the area, being that a pulp mill closed down and leaked a bunch of poison into the area and killed off all the game, and while most residents moved from the area, one family stayed and began inbreeding because hey.. why the fuck not and also moving is expensive. You know what they about real estate.. LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. Whats a little incest when you have all this clean mountain air?
Henry is all shirtless and trying to put on a bandage and BAM, old man Cruthers attacks him, revealing that he is the father of the mutant family.. and he’s only like 70 or 80, so I’m not really too sure how there’s all these generations of disgusting mutants roaming around,,, but I guess when you have lots of time to sit around and fuck your family members, anything is possible.
Speaking of fucking, the long lost skanky girl is all sunning herself all sexy by the riverbank when a male mutant comes along and is all turned on and he starts fiddling the old flesh flute in a pretty grotesque fashion and I guess his mutant girlfriend/sister/wife comes along and is all jealous and shit, so she goes shit balls bananas and is all “NO YOUU DINT”
Back at home base, the director who just got his rocks off gets into the filming van and finds it hijacked by mutants and he is taken prisoner… As to the why, or who even cares, I can’t really answer that. Meanwhile the football player has returned with the pair of idiots who stole the rump roast and they’re all chowing down and shit when out of the woods staggers angry lesbian and she’s all, “SHES DEADDDD” and then they realize they’d be eating human flesh when they see the skanky whore’s horrible slutty leg tattoo still on the roast meat? As if you wouldn’t have noticed the strange snake shape, but hey.. I once ate through a almost a whole apple in the dark and when I moved into the light there was half a worm sticking out of it, so what do I know.
Anyways they all start running all willy nilly through the forest to escape.. I don’t know what, and they end up getting split up (of course) when they find a mutant fucking what appears to be their sexy friend.. but whoops turns out to be just the aforementioned ladywife mutant who is wearing their friends face like leatherface which is pretty fucked up actually now that I’ve watched it again. IT kind of made me sad a bit, so that’s.. great.
The angry lesbian and the dumb jock end up falling into some kind of mutant booby trap, and they’re dead.. hanging upside down in a pretty legit Two-fer.
So with almost everyone dead in this little charade, we are down to the angry goth vegan and the black football star who are still running around all fucked up, and then find like.. a pulp mill or nuclear plant or something.. I dunno, they find some old ass rickety ass run down building with toxic waste containers with green goo leaking out, so obviously.. yeah.. let’s go inside and see what’s what.. hey why not.
Obviously after they go inside and find the director’s vehicle they are attacked and subdued by mutants, who they tie them up and treat them to a dinner of a stew and torture which is kind of neat and very Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but whatever. Then of course Henry Rollins shows up and shit gets legit and he basically takes the whole mutant family and fucks shit up a bit before meeting a terrible end. I will admit that I shed a tear for his loss.. what kind of dank pussy shit is that? He’s basically the best part of that flick and he fights his way all Chuck Norris style through the whole thing only to bite it in the end, which is pretty fucking LAME. Actually if I’m going to be honest, this whole movie is just actually terrible and thinking about what kind of state of mind I was in when I would laugh drunkenly at it inbetween bouts of vomiting is actually pretty LAME too.. So thusly would it be safe to say that this is a LAME movie made for even LAMER people?
Fuck, apparently there’s like two or three more movies to this series? And wow. those must be awesome.. Good god.
Anyways, fuckin’ Henry Rollin’s gives his life sadly in vain for the football player and angry vegan and then they kind of get attacked and there’s like some inner struggles and shit and the black dude almost gets fed into a meat grinder but then he doesn’t and then they defeat the mutants.. by killing them and win?
The final scene is a mutant pumping toxic waste into a baby bottle to feed the abomination of nature that was born earlier, leaving this series wide open for whatever is to come. I haven’t seen any of the other movies in the series.. not of course because I wouldn’t watch them, but I haven’t found them in the grocery store $4.99 bin yet, so there’s that.
Think about that hey.. you put all your effort into making a film, even if its terrible and you know it starts selling for what? $19.99.. and then it trickles down to the discount grocery store bin for $4.99 and that bin smells and ultimately always has one discarded mango or tomato and at least one band-aid or half chewed piece of candy in it. I really think the grocery store discount dvd bin should be a metaphor for life.
Anyways, I sure hope this review was readable and made sense.. I realize I’ve gotten to the end and can’t much recall what I have written so surely there’s some gold in here.
I’ve been drinking quite a bit of Tempt cider these days and those are some delicious little fuckers, so if you haven’t tried them, I urge you to..
Drunk in a Graveyard intoxicant rating – stop drinking when you think your cousin looks hot. It’s just a pro tip, and also next time you debate whether you want to have the cheeseburger or tofu… go for the cheeseburger.. think of the deaf rabbits. Won’t someone please think of the deaf rabbits.
You know what else i just realized.. of the two “slutty” hot girls that were in this movie, the only chick that would have been worth seeing naked was the angry vegan. She was fuckin’ smokin’ in Blair Witch Project 2:
Ah fuck. Well chalk that up to another wasted opportunity.
Until next time kids, don’t drink the slime, don’t fuck your cousin and remember to stay spooky.
On a slightly less intoxicated note – we have some fun Drunk in a Graveyard news. We’ve recently commissioned a banner and logo to be made by a dope as fuck artist from Australia and we will soon have some stickers for our loyal readers, so if you would like one now’s the time to lay claim.
I can assure you they will be amazing, and suitable for use on binders, bottles, windows, bumpers, titty bars, bus stop signs, out of order signs, bathroom signs, or in churches.. you know places where we might find new fans.
And as always, if you haven’t already, please follow this blog or tweet us @drunkgraveyard, let us know what you thought, send requests for drunk reviews (I’m open to anything!), and if you have some media you would like us to review either drunk or sober please leave a comment below.